As we approach the end of the season, once cohesive units begin to unravel and long-simmering plots finally boil over as dominant players are suddenly threatened by underdogs who have already overcome impossible odds.
Obviously, I’m talking about the NBA Eastern Conference where the fast-fading Pacers and the old-looking Heat are wheezing across the finish line while a resurgent Bulls, stripped of both Derrick Rose and Luol Deng, have surged into contention on the backs of Joakim Noah’s defense and DJ Agustin’s three-point shooting.
But I may as well be talking about superhero-comic based television shows. And I will do so, for the remainder of the column.
When we last checked in, Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. was steadily picking up steam with a plotline about secrets within secrets within the massive spy organization that protects the Marvel Cinematic Universe from existential threats, be they extraterrestrial, Asgardian, or Robo-Nazi. Meanwhile, the Arrow Oliver Queen found himself being hunted by Deathstroke the Terminator, finally bringing the Island-Five Years Ago and Starling City-Now plotlines together. Arrow was still the better TV experience…but that margin was shrinking. Has the peppy Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. finally caught up to its dark and sexy rival? Only pitting this week’s episodeshead to head in a series of meaningless categories will tell us!
Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. Season 1 Episode 18
“Providence”
vs.
Arrow Season 2 Episode 2 Episode 19
“The Man Under the Hood”
Let the battle….begin!
Round 1: I’m a Comics Nerd So Let’s Just Get the Easter Eggs Out of the Way Now
Arrow: A crucial scene takes place in a S.T.A.R. Labs (ding!) secret facility where we are introduced to scientist/warehouse worker Cisco Ramon when he manages to do what Oliver hasn’t all season and knock Deathstroke on his ass. He does so using a weapon designed by one Doctor Arthur Light (ding!). You might recognize Cisco Ramon as the secret identity of Vibe (ding!), a character DC has been desperately trying to push to the mainstream since he is one of their very few latino characters. After the fight, Cisco tips Felicity off to the existence of Iris West (ding!), with whom she will soon have to form a love triangle when Barry Allen finally returns to the show.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: After S.H.I.E.L.D. is compromised, a secret signal embedded in his ID badge leads Agent Coulson and his team to one of Nick Fury’s Secret Bases (ding!) where they encounter Patton Oswalt as Agent Eric Koenig (ding!). In the comics Koenig is an ex-Nazi who joined up with Nick Fury and his Howling Commandos — and he was last seen in Jonathan Hickman’s Secret Warriors series. Secret Bases, Agent Koenig, and every cast member constantly calling back the tagline “Agents of Nothing” can only mean one thing, nerds: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. is totally doing Secret Warriors now! On the run from Hydra with no one to trust…double agents everywhere you look…a network of secret bases in exotic locales around the globe…it’s my favorite Marvel storyline of the last five years so you can possibly see why I’m peeing my pants with excitement right now.
Advantage: Arrow technically had more dings! but I never said I was going with the ding system so this round goes to S.H.I.E.L.D. — now you all go on and do a nice, reverent job with the original comics source material and don’t go trying to appeal to no mass audiences, ya hear?
Round 2: The ladies love bondage boys. Show me the most homoerotic screencap from this episode.
Advantage: As psyched as I am about the possibility of S.H.I.E.L.D. somehow morphing into a buddy cop show starring Bill Paxton, I think it’s clear that when it comes to putting nubile flesh in compromising positions with pseudo-religious overtones and a heavy, heavy does of S&M sensibility, Arrow continues to reign supreme.
Round 3: How about a best dressed award?
Arrow: With this outfit, Thea is saying “I’m mature and businesslike enough for a conservatively cut blue-grey blazer but I’m wild and fun enough for a bare midriff.” Bold, evocative.
S.H.I.E.L.D.: Agent May’s winter look says “I may be an ice cold ice queen, but even I need to bundle up in this snow covered soundstage.”
Advantage: I value practicality above all else, so despite the versatility on display in Thea’s day-to-night ensemble, I have to give it to the Parka. S.H.I.E.L.D. 2, Arrow 1.
Round 4: I watch these shows for the bad writing and the worse acting. Which show is more over-the-top?
S.H.I.E.L.D: The dramatic climax off this whole episode comes when Agent Coulson sacrifices life and limb and does the bravest thing he can possibly do, which is — stand out in an open clearing and loudly state his name while striking a very unintimidating pose. Sometimes this show is like one long, boring G.I. Joe public service announcement: hey kids, sometimes all you need to do is tell the truth! Telling the truth is great and after you do it, everyone gets invited inside for cookies and ice creams and snuggletime!
Arrow: Right after Thea Queen learns that her mother had an affair with last season’s big bad, Malcolm Merlin, an affair of which she was the unknowing progeny (“I’m the daughter of two mass murderers!”), we discover that the man Thea thought was her father also had an affair — with this season’s assistant Big Bad, played by Summer Glau (“I was your father’s soulmate!”). That’s the CW for you. Then there’s Oliver’s secret identity quagmire. Bro: everyone knows you are the Arrow. Your only disguise is pretty much a hoody and that facepaint that Raiders fans put under their eyes. You don’t even disguise your voice. And every person who has anything to do with the Arrow just happens to be either employed by your company or a longtime friend of your family. Even Laurel figured it out! But the most absurd thing? THE MOST ABSURD THING? It’s the scene where Thea is unpacking crates of liquor at her nightclub, Verdant, and she just randomly puts bottles of the same brand on different shelves all over the storeroom. As a food and beverage worker for many years now, I find this cavalier approach to inventory management offensive. Without the financial might of Queen Consolidated, I predict that Thea’s poorly managed bar will be shut down by the Starling City Liquor Commission any day now.
Advantage: Arrow, a thousand times Arrow, you beautiful disaster.
Round 5: I know these shows are based on characters that were invented in the post-War era to sell sugar cereal to children, but is there anybody cold-blooded, execution style murder in either of them?
Advantage: Really? Both of them? No shit. Well I guess that means this is a tie.
Final Count: S.H.I.E.L.D. 2-2-1, Arrow 2-2-1.
For the first time this season, S.H.I.E.L.D. has actually pulled even with the older, wiser (by one season) Arrow. Can they carry this momentum on to the season finales in a few short weeks? This is more of a nail biter than the Premier League Table. Even though I obviously want Arrow to stomp all competition and be renewed forever and ever and for Oliver and Felicity to get married and have one thousand babies….deep breaths fangirl, calm down…I’m glad there’s not just one but two solid superhero comic book based TV shows on air right now. That probably hasn’t happened since X-Men and Batman: The Animated Series in the early 1990s. Huzzah, everything I loved as a child is cool now! The culture is celebrating me and my tastes! This is what it must feel like to be a Baby Boomer! I hope this isn’t a sign that I’ve grown old and irrelevant, my mind closed to new ideas!
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